Adam didn’t really want to …
Just in case anyone needs a refresher, here’s a short version of how we all got to be here. With my personal running commentary, just so as to help y’all out.
Once upon a time there was this god guy. And he decided to create a most splendid garden. It was like, the best garden, ever! God said so himself. It was also like the only garden too, but let’s not bicker. If he says it was the best, it was the best.
But something was missing. Like, what’s the point in having the best garden ever, if there’s no one to show it off to? So god created two sycophants, whom he named Adam and his main squeeze Eve.
Then, happy with the perfection he had created, this all-loving, all-caring, all-powerful, all-seeing, all-EVERYTHING god threw a bit of evil into the mix, shaping it like a serpent.
If you ask why would a perfect god do such a thing? Or how perfection could even create imperfection? I swear I’ll throw a rotten apple core at you. The answer is because! He felt like it. Okay! And he wanted to kill some time, test some stuff, run an experiment and whatnot. There. You happy.
Now, to make stuff even more interesting, as well as save time and speed up communication, god gave the serpent the ability to talk. Why didn’t they communicate subliminally? There you go with the silly questions again?
So anyhow, there they were, Adam, Eve and the serpent. Which also goes a long way to explaining why the serpent was more than peeved from the get go. You have the shapely Eve, the muscular Adam and the poor old serpent. Like, god? Dude. Seriously. Talk about drawing the short straw right?
I mean, why didn’t god just spare the serpent and make him a Darryl, a guy with a moustache, shifty eyes and an evil snigger? I know, I know, ours is not to reason why. It’s all right there in the bible. Just shut up, and believe.
Now the serpent slitters up to Eve and all slippery like whispers, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”
I don’t know why they talked like that. Okay! But I’ve also never seen, or heard about a talking serpent either, so …
Anyway, Eve’s eyes go all sorrowful and stuff, she looks down, fidgets, draws a circle in the dust with her big toe and retorts, “God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.”
And the serpent rolled his shifty eyes and sniggered. “Girlfriend! That’s on account he don’t want you to be as clever as he is. Eat that fruit. Go on. When you’re as switched on as he is, then you’ll see. Ay. Go on! Don’t let fear stop you.”
Being a forever status seeker, when Eve hears this she is overwhelmed with desire. She clamps a hand over her mouth and exclaims, “Serious?”
The serpent, knowing he had a live one, looked conspiratorially from side to side, just to make sure no one was eavesdropping, and retorted, “Yep.”
So off Eve charged, like an excited shopper sniffing out the post-Christmas sales bargains, dragging Adam behind her. And he’s about as excited as most blokes are being dragged on a shopping trip. But, when she says, We’re going …
At the tree, Eve boldly stepped up, picked the best looking apple, took a bite, then realizing that may not have been the smartest thing she ever did, handed it to dopey. “Here,” she commanded. “It’s nice.”
Adam took the offered piece of fruit gingerly, something just didn’t feel right, “Thank you dear,” he muttered, “But I’m not really hungry.”
Eve gave him the look. “Oh, so my food isn’t good enough for you?”
Immediately Adam realized the error of his ways. He took a bite, told her it was nice, and there you have it dear reader. Everything went to mud right there and then. Boom! Forever misery for mankind.
And where was god during all this? Watching, of course. He liked to watch.
What’s not to believe?